Children of the Fire Country
by Pierrot twixt Columbine
Summary: Spoilers for manga up to 234. Naruto and Sakura has always held onto the hope that Sasuke would come back to them one day, but after three years, things have changed more than either of them could have imagined. ch. 2 up: Neji gets a roommate.
1. Default Chapter

TITLE: Children of the Fire Country

AUTHOR: Pierrot twixt Columbine

RATING: PG-13. Some references to sexuality. Crude jokes.

GENRE: Humor, parody

WARNINGS: Spoiler for the manga up to 234

They always knew he would come back. The two of them held onto hope long after everyone else had given up on Sasuke, hope that they kept hidden and silent like an intensely perverse desire. It was even stronger than their conviction that he would never leave, perhaps strengthened by the uncertainty of reality and their own desperation. They say it never hurts to hope, but in reality it does. It aches, the phantom pain of an anticipated disappointment. But it hurts more to be hopeless.

They always knew he would come back, but neither of them had dared to hope far enough to imagine how he would come back. Certainly they had not expected an order from Anbu to gather at the village gate and prepare to assist in Uchiha Sasuke's capture.

And certainly they had not expected to see Sasuke come sauntering up to Konoha's gates, scowling and unarmed, while half of the Anbu squad stood waiting with kunai drawn.

Naruto had not expected the change. He had not expected the black leather pants and mesh shirt, the torn fingerless gloves and the kohl eyeliner. He had not expected the hair, expertly gelled and spiked, with a chunk dyed white and strategically arranged to fall over heavily lined eye.

"Oh my god," Naruto whispered breathlessly, "He came back gay!"

The kunoichi next to him pulled the squirrel Anbu mask off of her face and hissed, "He is _not._ He came back _hot._"

Kiba snickered at Sakura. "Yeah, well it's kinda hard not to be hot when you're _flaming_."

Ino sneered at him. "You just admitted Sasuke-kun's hot."

"No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did."

"No, I didn't!"

"We all heard you. Hinata, didn't Kiba just admit Sasuke-kun's hot?"

Hinata blinked and lowered her dark lashes, whispering something under her breath. Her cheeks flushed pink. Next to her, Shino frowned when his kikai transmitted the message to him.

"What does she mean 'I guess miracles _do_ happen?'" he muttered.

"_Anyway_," Sakura drowned out the other voices. "Sasuke-kun is _not_ gay."

Next to her, beads of sweat were forming on Naruto's forehead. His lips trembled. "But Sakura-chan...the lipstick..."

She glared at him. "I hear it's very trendy nowadays..."

Naruto turned pale. "With guys?"

Sakura pressed her lips into a thin line. "Look. He's—He's just metro, _okay_?"

Shikamaru sighed. "I can't believe we're wasting my time arguing about this."

"What's there to argue?" Kiba asked. "The biggest flame in Fire Country is standing right in front of us. We could toast a marshmallow on this guy."

Naruto had taken a step forward, but now stood frozen in his tracks. "Sasuke...is that—are you wearing concealer?"

Sasuke shrugged with a practiced air of nonchalance. "I had a blemish."

"_Metro_," Sakura said through gritted teeth.

Shikamagu sighed again and stepped up to confront Sasuke. "Uchiha. You've got a lot of nerve showing up like this. What business do you have in Konoha?"

Sasuke shrugged again, tossing his hair against the breeze. "I've come back."

"For what purpose?"

"To stay."

"For what reason?"

There was a pause. Sasuke's brows furrowed, his eyes bright and mute as glass. When he spoke his voice was husky. "I couldn't stay with Orochimaru anymore."

"Why?"

"He couldn't understand my infinite nature. He couldn't appreciate the deep abyss of hatred that makes up my miserable soul," Sasuke said. He hesitated, and when he finished his voice was on the edge of breaking. "Also, he tried to make me wear one of those purple waist band thingies. That doesn't go with black. That doesn't go with _anything_."

Shikamaru heard a moan from behind him. Sakura had sunk to her knees, her hands covering her eyes.

"Oh my god," she sobbed. "I can't _believe_ he came back gay."

TBC

Author's notes: Okay, you should know that when I leave a fic unfinished and TBC, it usually means that it will probably stay unfinished and never be continued. I am a horrible, lazy person who would rather sleep than...do anything else. So the bottom line: I'm sorry if I don't update in forever and a day. But I'll try.

Also, you might be wondering what the hell compelled me to write this kind of crack. Well, I've always had a thing for torturing the angsty boys. The only difference in torturing Neji and torturing Sasuke is that I actually _like_ Neji. But really, you have to admit that Sasuke deserves this one.


	2. Chapter Two

"What the hell do you think he's up to?" Tsunade refilled her sake cup and looked over the table at Jiraiya.

"Isn't it obvious? This is obviously a devious plan to infiltrate Konoha and learn our weak points."

The Godaime frowned. She picked up the sake cup and held it hovering beneath her lips. She shook her head and put the cup back down. "That would certainly make the most sense, but why would they devise such a _stupid_ plan?"

Jiraiya folded his arms and leaned back in his chair. "Maaaybe they thought that we would think that a plan like this is just _so_ stupid that they would never use it. And then they move in for the kill."

Tsunade pondered the theory for a moment. "Do they really think we're _that _stupid? And besides, that still doesn't explain how Uchiha is gay now."

"He's not gay. He's just pretending to be to throw us all off track."

Tsunade raised a pencil-thin brow. "Have you _seen_ the kid?"

"Listen. You know just as well as I do how tricky Orochimaru and his minions are. Remember Kabuto and how he had us fooled? Uchiha lying isn't exactly far-fetched when you consider how long he's been with Orochimaru."

"Trust me," Tsunade said with a smirk. "He's gay."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I took off my top in front of him and he didn't even flinch."

There was a long pause after that, during which Jiraiya leaned back further in his chair and closed his eyes, presumably to fully appreciate the brilliance of the Godaime's acid test.

When he opened his eyes again, Jiraiya said in a low voice. "Like I said. The Sound nins are skilled at lying."

The killing intent that suddenly filled the air was unbearable. The noise of the bustling village ceased immediately, awed by the heavy atmosphere. For that brief moment, not one child in Konoha dared to make a sound.

"What are you trying to say, Jiraiya?" Tsunade's voice was cold.

"I'm just saying that there's no such thing as a fool-proof plan. Your plan sounds like a good one, but the Uchiha kid could just be very good at lying."

"Careful..."

"Listen," Jiraiya went on quickly, "I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm just saying that you can't be 100 sure unless you put your test to the test."

Tsunade blinked. "And how would I do that?"

"Well you know _I'm_ straight. Take off your top in front of _me._"

"Why is he here?" Neji demanded, pointing to Sasuke, who was rummaging through the boy's closet and clucking his tongue in a disapproving manner. "And more importantly, why is he wearing eyeliner? Only Gaara wears eyeliner and that's only excusable because he's batshit crazy."

Shikamaru sighed and leaned against the doorjamb of Neji's room—well, Neji's and Sasuke's room now. Leave it to Uchiha to mess everything up. Ever since he came back, life had become harder for Shikamaru. He sighed more often—breathing normally was becoming troublesome.

"I know you don't like it, but there's nowhere else to put him. He can't be trusted, so the best place to put him would be here in the Anbu compound. That way we're here to watch him if he gets up to something. You know…keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

Neji scowled. "But why me? Why don't you room him with Naruto or somebody? I'm not good with people. I don't do the whole roommate thing. I'm more of the lone wolf type."

Neji was interrupted by Lee, who poked his head into the room and gave Neji a big sparkling grin. "Neji, Gai-sensei wanted to know if you're still planning on bringing the chicken salad to our team picnic tomorrow."

Shikamaru raised a brow. Neji's lip quivered. "This is _different_. Our team picnics are _special_. Don't judge me."

Shikamaru shrugged. "Whatever dude. I play chess with Asuma."

"That's right!" Neji cried fervently, jabbing a finger in Shikamaru's direction. "And everyone will hear about it if this gets out."

"Dude, everyone already knows."

"Well…well just don't talk about it."

Another shrug. "Whatever. Full sentences. Too much work."

"So that's a yes on the chicken salad?" Lee asked.

Neji nodded, "Affirmative. And for the last time Lee, it's more than chicken salad. It's Neji's chicken extravaganza."

Sasuke snorted from his spot by the window. Neji turned to him with an icy glare. "You got something to say, Uchiha?"

Sasuke fiddled with the curtains. "Nothing. Just that it's no fun for me to have to live here either. I mean there's a difference between Spartan and craphole and this place has missed the Spartan train."

"You've got a lot of nerve to barge in here and insult my—hey! Hey, don't touch that! Shikamaru, he's moving my furniture. Why is he moving my furniture?"

"God, the feng shui in this room is terrible," Sasuke muttered.

"He's doing it because the feng shui in your room is terrible," Shikamaru said solemnly.

"No! Absolutely not," Neji cried. "Get him out of here this instant. Make someone else room with him. Why me?"

"Godaime said so," said Shikamaru.

"Fine," Neji said through gritted teeth. "Then I'll talk to the Godaime myself and have her fix it."

When he arrived at the Godaime's office, he was informed that the Godaime was busy with paperwork and could not see him at the moment. Neji knew exactly what that meant, so he waited another half hour for the Godaime to sober up enough to speak in coherent sentences before going into the office.

"Well, Neji-kun, the reason why I chose you to be Sasuke's roommate is simple. You two are the best pairing, no matter how you look at it. You have the Byakugan, which will come in very handy in this situation. Plus, your personalities guarantee that you'll get tangled up in some interesting positions."

"I see," Neji said quietly. He had gained a newfound respect for the Godaime. Before, he had thought she was nothing more than a drunk floozy who'd only gotten the job out of good luck. But now he realized that the Godaime was an unrivaled strategist. She had roomed him with Sasuke so that he could use his Byakugan to observe the boy and detect any suspicious activity. If Sasuke's change was just a guise then surely Neji with his Byakugan and attention to detail would notice. At last, his genius had been recognized by the Godaime herself.

"Listen Neji," the Godaime said as she motioned for him to come closer. "I'm going to tell you the secret strategy I've devised for you while you're rooming with Uchiha."

Neji inched closer, tense and expectant. Tsunade looked grim. "You must promise to remember this and take my words to heart."

"I promise," Neji breathed.

"No means yes. Yes means _Ung_, harder!"

Neji jerked back, his jaw muscles tense. Without a word, he got up and walked to the door.

"Wait!" Tsunade cried. "I still haven't told you about 'uwahh!' and 'Nnnn!' yet. How will you know what to do?"

Neji let the door slam on his way out.

TBC

Edited: For some reason, the markings I used to separate scenes didn't format on FFnet's server, so I'm sorry for those who read this and got totally confused by the lack of transition space. Also, thanks to those who commented. I know I'm not very good at updating often, but thanks for being patient with me.


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